This is really a problem that exists throughout a lifetime, so I thought I could share some of my experiences and what I did.
As a kid, I always had a ‘plan.’
That plan was my way to ‘flawlessness.’
I would be so happy in my own world, that there was no space or need to envy somebody else.
That’s ALL of us. The car, the house, the degrees, the career, the job and the perfect partner. These may change a bit over time, but as human beings, it is normal tendency to want it all.
There isn’t anything wrong with that. But like all fantasies, my dream was always built on the things I did not have or that did not exist.
It’s always easier to become absorbed by a dream instead of the hard work it takes to get there.
And the more I progressed in some of the above aspects, I noticed that I gave even more thought to what people thought. The school I went to mattered. The clothes I wore to work mattered. Not for myself. But to project an image that everything was peachy.
In time, I began accepting that there was no way I would ever be able to not give a thought to what others thought of me.
I accepted that this was my identity; who I was; an emotionally paranoid, insecure failure. To add to it, dating people who really were not the people for me only strengthened this sad acceptance to my already fragile inner state of affairs.
All of my actions on the daily were built off of what others would think.
The experience was mentally miserable and frustrating to say the least.
Today, I am a person who I never thought I could be.
Here was what I did.
There are three things that you need to mentally train yourself to keep in mind.
- Insecure People Talk Sh**. And you know this has existed your entire life. The school bully was the most insecure or almost always had issues. Similarly, people who talk about others further confirms that they are severely insecure. I’ll give you an example. I dated a guy who I noticed would always find something negative to say about a person. His demeanor was always very calm and collected and his friends thought very highly of him. But when I would go to a restaurant, where I saw the nice hair on a woman, he would comment negatively on her weight. He did that for his own friends as well. I began thinking that there was a high likelihood that this man was being nice to me on face and talking badly about me when I was not around. I was 100 percent right and it was confirmed through a common friend. Needless to say, the dude had some deep-rooted confidence, commitment AND trust issues and I made my exit route.
ALWAYS remember, human beings think a lot more about their own self than they do about you. What you need to do is not take is personally.What they say about you is their perspective and their business, not yours. Walk away from it and rant about it later to your friends if you have to. Stick to the people who support you. Because at the end of the day, the saying is true; you can count your true friends on your fingers. Cherish those friendships and develop those. Better to have one or two people thinking the world of you than 30 people not giving a damn or speaking behind your back.
- Make Your Insecurities Advantages and Take Advantage of the TRICKLE EFFECT. I swear you do not need a therapist or a counselor to do this. Refer to G.E.M Coaching if you need some guidance. Our coaches can help you set some doable goals. Worried about your weight? Make up your mind to lose it, but don’t stop there. Want to advance in your career? Consult some people in your network or people in the G.E.M network to get some positive guidance.My personal insecurity was a lot of self-doubt. It hindered my ability to say no to people and blocked my ability to do some of the things I really wanted to do. Here’s what changed it for me.
I went to a mall and looked in a mirror to find myself looking haggard, tired and completely washed out. Internal strife always shows outwardly in some way. I decided that instead of the makeup, maybe I should go for a jog or a long workout. Eat a bit healthier to make myself feel good internally and get a bit more color on my cheeks. I started looking for a job I was interested in. This was the trickle effect.
From reducing dark circles, I went on a strict diet and work out plan. The extra energy gave me the ability to get a job that played on skills I knew I was strong at. I made some time to concentrate on G.E.M. And the higher salary gave me a chance to finally take flight lessons to become a small plane pilot; a long-time goal of mine now. Go with the trickle effect flow so long as its positive. And you will shine.
- Practice indifference, indifference and more indifference. Silence is really a killer. It drives people crazy. Think about it. Have you had a relationship where you have actively given the cold shoulder and had the person call you? I have very recently faced this.People in my friend group recently started not inviting me to certain events.Why? Because I took some time to study for the GRE and couldn’t go out. Got selected to lead a project and got to travel internationally and domestically for most of the year. Work late most of the time. Joined a couple of high level tennis and volleyball leagues which compete on weekend nights. I don’t really know what I did wrong.The irony was that the true friends I made in that group are still in touch with me. The rest dropped out. And you must remember THAT THIS IS NORMAL AND OKAY.
People who care about you stick in your life. You cannot be friends with everyone in this world. Neither can you help everyone in the world. Cut toxic people out; you don’t owe them any justification.What you can do is surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you and DO NOT DEPEND AN IOTA ON THOSE WHO DON’T.
Trust me. If a person cares, they will show it in a way that YOU appreciate it. No matter how angry you are, no matter where you are and no matter what the situation is.
When you have this kind of security, WHO REALLY GIVES A DAMN?! 😉